All The Ways I'd Love To Be A Jerk
Mar. 15th, 2010 09:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snousleSo many great business ideas, so little time.
I would love to make a living on the creationist lecture circuit. I would be a really good creationist, because I've been steeped in biology for so long. Few creationists ever come up with original ideas, because they know so little science - but as an analyst, I'm thinking of ways to falsify scientists' pet theories all the time. Of course, those arguments are generally for naught, because the underlying theories are, in fact, correct - and they are correct because people like me have already eliminated the ones that aren't. But the public doesn't know that! They're hungry for tales of conspiracy, and proof that their "common sense" is more important than those egghead scientists in their ivory towers. They are the ones who would really appreciate my work. I could be the most influential creationist in history!
(Replace "creationist" with "global warming denialist" and the situation would be more or less the same, the only problem being that I'm not that malicious.)
How about diet plans? Inspired by the success of of denying reality through strategic use of the word "real", I'd like to create the RealDiet (TM) foundation, promoting a concept called "RealWeight" (TM). RealWeight would be calculated by a formula designed to flatter the customer and make non-customers feel vaguely inadequate. Your RealWeight could be as much as a hundred pounds lower than what your fraudulent, money-grubbing doctor puts on your medical chart. (Of course he wants you to be fat, that's how he makes all his money!) I could point to the scientifically documented failure of other diet plans, which rely on, you know, weighing people, because everybody knows that numbers always lie. My slogan? Remove The Scales From Your Eyes!
I'm tired of using my abilities for honest, constructive purposes. Deceit and manipulation would make me feel so much more powerful and important. I'm ready to cross over. Does anyone have Darth Vader's cell number handy?
I would love to make a living on the creationist lecture circuit. I would be a really good creationist, because I've been steeped in biology for so long. Few creationists ever come up with original ideas, because they know so little science - but as an analyst, I'm thinking of ways to falsify scientists' pet theories all the time. Of course, those arguments are generally for naught, because the underlying theories are, in fact, correct - and they are correct because people like me have already eliminated the ones that aren't. But the public doesn't know that! They're hungry for tales of conspiracy, and proof that their "common sense" is more important than those egghead scientists in their ivory towers. They are the ones who would really appreciate my work. I could be the most influential creationist in history!
(Replace "creationist" with "global warming denialist" and the situation would be more or less the same, the only problem being that I'm not that malicious.)
How about diet plans? Inspired by the success of of denying reality through strategic use of the word "real", I'd like to create the RealDiet (TM) foundation, promoting a concept called "RealWeight" (TM). RealWeight would be calculated by a formula designed to flatter the customer and make non-customers feel vaguely inadequate. Your RealWeight could be as much as a hundred pounds lower than what your fraudulent, money-grubbing doctor puts on your medical chart. (Of course he wants you to be fat, that's how he makes all his money!) I could point to the scientifically documented failure of other diet plans, which rely on, you know, weighing people, because everybody knows that numbers always lie. My slogan? Remove The Scales From Your Eyes!
I'm tired of using my abilities for honest, constructive purposes. Deceit and manipulation would make me feel so much more powerful and important. I'm ready to cross over. Does anyone have Darth Vader's cell number handy?
