All The Ways I'd Love To Be A Jerk

[snousle]

So many great business ideas, so little time.

I would love to make a living on the creationist lecture circuit. I would be a really good creationist, because I've been steeped in biology for so long. Few creationists ever come up with original ideas, because they know so little science - but as an analyst, I'm thinking of ways to falsify scientists' pet theories all the time. Of course, those arguments are generally for naught, because the underlying theories are, in fact, correct - and they are correct because people like me have already eliminated the ones that aren't. But the public doesn't know that! They're hungry for tales of conspiracy, and proof that their "common sense" is more important than those egghead scientists in their ivory towers. They are the ones who would really appreciate my work. I could be the most influential creationist in history!

(Replace "creationist" with "global warming denialist" and the situation would be more or less the same, the only problem being that I'm not that malicious.)

How about diet plans? Inspired by the success of of denying reality through strategic use of the word "real", I'd like to create the RealDiet (TM) foundation, promoting a concept called "RealWeight" (TM). RealWeight would be calculated by a formula designed to flatter the customer and make non-customers feel vaguely inadequate. Your RealWeight could be as much as a hundred pounds lower than what your fraudulent, money-grubbing doctor puts on your medical chart. (Of course he wants you to be fat, that's how he makes all his money!) I could point to the scientifically documented failure of other diet plans, which rely on, you know, weighing people, because everybody knows that numbers always lie. My slogan? Remove The Scales From Your Eyes!

I'm tired of using my abilities for honest, constructive purposes. Deceit and manipulation would make me feel so much more powerful and important. I'm ready to cross over. Does anyone have Darth Vader's cell number handy?

Comments

[westwind-mv.livejournal.com]

Speaking of Vader's cell phone...you have seen this, no?

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

So here's the plan ... sell the arguments to the creationists, and sell their refutation to the scientists. You get stupid rich like an arms manufacturer.

[snousle.livejournal.com]

I have, but it never gets old!

[snousle.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! After all, taking "sides" is for chumps.

[tbrough.livejournal.com]

I have had this same day dream...I keep wondering why a kerosene flavored bong water brain like Glenn Beck gets millions and I can't get a gig. I keep wondering if a good wig and a new obnoxious reactionary blog would make me rich. Or at least better employed.

[allanh.livejournal.com]

Whenever I'm frustrated with my work, I fantasize about running ads in the National Enquirer for bogus items such as "Vial of Lucky Holy Water" or "Contains piece of saint's tomb!" to be worn as pendants.

If there wasn't a market for such crap, there wouldn't be so many ads...and I really wonder how much money is wasted on these charlatans every year. (Enough to pay our monthly mortgage bill?)

[urbear]

Hmmm... something like Steven Colbert's fake Republican act, riffing on science, then? Or are you not going to let them in on the joke?

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

Hey, sounds good. Maybe you can have some spooky "revelation" from above or whatever to make your insights seem divinely originated. That'll work. Throw in some end of the world legends and start raking it in. Buy up some crappy useless property and then claim that voices told you to start the new city there for all the good people to go after the coming bad event.
Didn't LDS start that way as a real estate scam?

[fogbear.livejournal.com]

I suspect that you wouldn't be able to keep it going for more than about five minutes.

I do like bitterlawngnome's idea, though. But then, I usually do.

[broduke2000.livejournal.com]

Seriously? I think you could get a gig on the opposite side of the fence. The #1 banned news story is how congress ain't mentioning all our jobs going to China.

If there was a dude rantin' and screamin' on the radio about how corrupt ALL of congress is, I'd listen.

But ya gotta scream, you gotta show anger. Not the nambly-pambly stuff they were spewing on AIr America.

[barbarian-rat.livejournal.com]

I've never seen it - what a hoot!

[barbarian-rat.livejournal.com]

Whatever you do, you have to do it with a straight face ...
pun intended ....